highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You pole danced in your parka.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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