so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
