I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
