Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
