True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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