So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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