That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
