i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why are your pants in the freezer?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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