Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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