I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
