She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
