I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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