We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize