My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
