everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
