You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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