If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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