Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
