i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
