thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
