Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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