just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
