there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
