just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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