In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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