my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
