sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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