I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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