she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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