Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
