Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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