I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
