one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
