I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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