I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
