I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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