Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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