Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
