i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
