Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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