So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
