Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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