Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
