You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
