im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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