Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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