that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
