Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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