I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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