Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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