You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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