i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
