if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
