Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
